EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

After taking the time to think through the conflict and identify your own hot buttons, it is now time to directly engage the other party to the conflict.  Going into a personal meeting may seem daunting given the hostility but it becomes more manageable if you go into it with a proper framework for the discussion.

This framework can bethought of as “ground rules” for the meeting. Though he/she doesn't have to agree, you may ask the other party to try to assent to them before you get started. These ground rules could include such things as:

• Being respectful to all parties (regardless of personal feelings).
• Giving the each party the appropriate time to fully express himself without interruption.
• Taking the time to actually listen to what the other parties are saying (instead of focusing on our own responses to their statements).
• Putting the focus on a “give and take” resolution that is win-win for all the parties.
• Try to avoid judgmental statements that put people in a defensive position.

With that framework inmind, it’s time to focus on the actual conversation.  Inso doing you should try not to be too tied to your personal viewpoints, but beflexible enough to views from all perspectives. You should also ensure that theprimary focus should be on peacefully resolving the dispute.  To make surethese things occur:

• Divide the conflict into separate issues and deal with one issue at a time during the discussion.
• Try to focus on areas of common agreement.
• Instead of personally focusing on the other party in the dispute, put the emphasis on both of you working together to resolve the issues at hand.  E.g. “Use an ‘I statement’ to objectify the conflict, as in, ‘I think we have different ideas about the best way to drive to work. I understand that you really think it’s faster to go this way.’  Then ask for feedback: ‘Am I hearing you correctly?’”
• Be willing to apologize for any potential offenses to the other party.
• If you are wrong about something, you must be willing to admit it.

Given the investment of time and effort involved in resolving conflict, you probably are yourself, ”Is it worth it?” In a workplace environment, you have to view conflict resolution as an investment in the future.  Though it may be a hassle in the short term, clearing the air will pay dividends in the long-term because you will be able to avoid the increased emotional costs of long-term conflict.

Also, understand that not all conflicts are going to be resolved using the techniques described above. As such, learn to manage your stress levels by choosing the battles you engage in.  If an issue is not worth the investment in time and effort described above, simply walkaway.  Sometimes you may follow the procedures discussed above to theletter and still have no resolution. When that happens, again, walk away. In both instances, however, you should take the time to agree to disagree with the other parties to the conflict before moving on with your life.

KNOWING AND MANAGING YOUR HOT BUTTONS

To prepare yourself to properly deal with conflict, you must take the time to understand your own “hot buttons” i.e., the things that you perceive to be threats against how you want to be viewed in this world.  These hot buttons are important because they tend to trigger a set of automatic emotional responses whenever we face conflict.  Most common hot buttons have to deal with competence, inclusion, autonomy, status, reliability, and morality. Once we are triggered, “our brain may experience what’s called a “neural hijacking.” The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what’s happening.”

As such, you must take the time to have a full and complete understanding of your hot buttons before you make any attempt to deal with the other parties in the conflict. As you saw in our post about thinking through ourresponse to conflict, you need to have our thoughts and emotions under control so that we may have a clear understanding of the actual facts surrounding the dispute. This allows you to operate on 'reality-based' dimension of the conflict.  If, however, you allow our hot buttons to trigger an instinctive emotional response, then you will make false assumptions, lash out or close down, etc. all because we will be responding to 'felt conflict'.  

 To get started on finding out and managing your hot buttons, follow the next steps:

1. Make a list of your own personal hot buttons.  These are different for everyone. (A list of common hot buttons listed below).
2. Make note of how your body responds when one of your hot buttons are triggered.  Do you clench your teeth, cry, sweat, get flushed, contract your stomach?  It is not the easiest thing to do but try to pay attention to these responses in your body.
3. Once you feel the body's response that signals a hot button has been triggered, ask for a rain check with the other party and end the conversation until you have regained control of your emotional state.
4. After you have calmed down, ask yourself the following questions, “Am I being too sensitive? Am I seeing slights where none exists?” If the answer is yes, then that, in and of itself, could be the end of the conflict. I, however, the answer is no, then try to write down, in clear terms, what you believe to be the cause of the conflict.
5. Only after you have completed step 4 should you continue to pursue the other conflict resolution steps.

Find Your Hot Buttons From The List Below:

Rejection

Humiliation

Judgment

Feeling Unimportant

Disconnection

Abandonment

Loneliness

Feeling Ignored

Failure

Neglect

Powerlessness

Condemnation

Being misunderstood

Feeling Unwanted

Being scorned

Danger

Being invalidated

Feeling Disliked

Feeling defective

Mistrust

Inferiority

Feeling Devalued

Worthlessness

Unhappiness

As you can imagine, this process is emotionally draining. Not to mention the fact that it takes diligence to engage in continuous self-awareness and self-control. However, success will not only help you in the workplace, it will also prove effective against conflict at home and in other areas of your life.

Sources:

http://lenski.com/conflictzen/what-are-your-conflict-triggers/

http://lenski.com/conflictzen/managing-your-hot-buttons

THINK BEFORE YOU RESPOND TO CONFLICT

Oftentimes, conflict seems to strike us right out of the blue.  Because of this, we tend to give in to our first instincts.  For some the default response is to 'fight'; these people become extremely agitated. These individuals lash out at those they perceive to be the bringers of conflict without a care for the consequences.  For others, the response is 'flight' – i.e. they simply try run away from and try to ignore the conflict altogether. They hope that, their refusal to engage in the conflict, will result in it going away altogether without any further effort on their part. 

Unfortunately, in the workplace, giving in to either default response is rarely effective. This is because conflict operates on two dimensions: one based because on logical and actual facts about the conflict (i.e. reality-based conflict); and the other, based on feelings of threat, fear, hurt, etc. each party associates with the conflict (i.e. felt conflict).  Usually, your initial response of 'fight' or 'flight' is based on 'felt conflict' that is why you must try not to give in to it. In a closed environment like the workplace, where we are forced to work together on continually, this is highly ineffective. 

To find solutions that will actually resolve the conflict, you must seek to operate on the 'reality-based conflict' dimension. As such, it is imperative that you take the time to think before you respond. Doing this will give you the chance to look at your own possible contributions to the conflict; and what may be motivating the other party to engage in this conflict in the first place.

To get this process started, you will need to tackle 'felt conflict' straight on. Take the time to understand the role your own emotions and past experiences may be distorting the facts in a manner that actually escalate conflict in your mind. When this occurs, you make assumptions based on incorrect or incomplete information. To take control over own emotions and thoughts you will first have to discern and manage your 'hot buttons'.

Next you must examine how your actions in the workplace may have unknowingly contributed to the conflict. Sometimes individuals are unaware of how they are presenting themselves to theircolleagues.  People respond to both verbal and non-verbal communication. So, you must be careful about even, “the smallest movement ofthe eye, positioning of the ears, body positioning and proximity.” The impacts of these actions and even your slightest verbal utterances can be great.  Thus, it is important for you to take the time to put together a communication strategy before you even attempt to directly engage the other person in conflict resolution.

Once you have our own emotions and actions in line, it is time to think about what might be motivating the other party or parties to the dispute. We have already discussed at length some of the inherent differences that may lead to conflict in the workplace. To resolve this conflict, you must try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other parties. Try to understand the conflict from their perspective.  Even try to discern if they may be operating on mistaken assumptions. Finally, try to figure out what might motivate them to work with you to resolve the dispute. 

So, is now clear to us that when conflict strikes you have two options based on how you allow your thoughts to travel: first, you may instinctively lash out at or run away from the other parties to the dispute and deal with the consequences later; or second, you may deliberately think through the issue and rationally choose a path that leads to the end of the conflict.  The first option is easy, the second requires diligence. But peace of mind is worth the effort.

SOURCES:

http://www.mediate.com/articles/ScottVbl20110613.cfm

http://www.mediate.com/articles/JohnsonC2.cfm

http://blog.kimberlyalyn.com/2011/02/24/dealing-with--conflict-mentally.aspx