Zen Break: The Universe Is Within You - Literally!

No, this is not a philosophical statement, but a literal one - I'll allow Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh to explain his Zen Concept of 'Inter-Being' in his own words: 

If you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud, there will be no rain; without rain, the trees cannot grow; and without trees, we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist. If the cloud is not here, the sheet of paper cannot be here either. So we can say that the cloud and the paper inter-are. “Interbeing” is a word that is not in the dictionary yet, but if we combine the prefix “inter-” with the verb “to be,” we ha vea new verb, inter-be. Without a cloud and the sheet of paper inter-are.

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Give Up What You WANT To Get What You NEED

In our post titled, ‘Learning To Get What You Want In A Negotiation’ we discussed the importance of separating your positions (what you say you want) from your interests (the underlying need that shapes your positions). 

You can expect that in most scenarios, unless the other party completely folds, it is highly unlikely that you will get 100% of our interests met.  To increase the chances that you get your most important interests fulfilled, while simultaneously maximize the probability of an agreement, we should use the log-rolling technique.  Using this approach, you give up on the interests that are of lower value to you (and possibly higher value to the other party) to secure your own high priority interests.  It also shows you to be reasonable person who is willing to compromise when the situation asks for it.

The first step in using log-rolling is to prioritize your interests in terms of their value to you.  (If you believe that they are all equally important, then you are setting up the log-rolling technique to fail.) Next, you should use active listening skills to find out the interests and priorities of the other party.  This will give the concessions you provide during the give and take process to be more effective. 

Let’s look at how logrolling works in the following scenario:

Scenario 

Jill is a recent graduate who is currently unemployed and living at home.  Because of the tough economy and her lack of experience, she is finding it difficult to land a job.  Jill is currently interviewing with a company that is exactly in the field in which she want to focus her career.  Working at this could give her an enormous amount of experience but the salary for this position is below the market rate. Jill desperately wants to move out of her parents’ house and has just been invited to share an apartment with two of her best friends from college. Jill has been offered a position at the company and is now negotiating the terms of her possible employment.

We already know that Jill will not get everything that she wants in her negotiations, but first let’s take a look at their interests: (i) to gain employment; (ii) to gain experience in her chosen field; (iii) to be able to move out of her parents’ house in order to get more space and privacy. Now that we know this, how should she approach this negotiation?

Though Jill really wants to move out of her parents’ house, and the salary for this position would not allow this, she believes that having a job in a bad economy plus getting experience in her chosen field are more important.  Her employer, is a start-up company with limited financial means so an increase in the salary offered was not an option.  However, they do have a lot of responsibilities for new hires;  so, Jill will get hands-on experience from the get-go. 

Upon accepting the position, Jill gave up on her desire to move in with her college friends because her income would not allow it.  She decided to stay in her parents' home managed to get some extra space and privacy by turning the basement into an apartment in exchange for a nominal rent that she could afford on her lower salary.

As you can see, log-rolling only works if you are prepared.  As such, you must already know what your interests and priorities are; you must be willing to engage in active listening to find out about the interests and priorities of the other party to the deal; and you must try to encourage a collaborative environment so that will encourage a more open give and take process. 

Zen Symbols Explained: The Lotus Flower

The word zen, at least in the West, tends to denote beautiful imagery of nature, calmness and relaxation.  However, some symbols appear over and over and haven't you always wondered about their true meaning?  One of these is the lotus flower and that is what we will be examining in this post.

The lotus flower (at least those used for zen symbolism) grows in muddy ponds.  However, upon maturity, the flower emerges from the mud perfectly clean and unspoiled.  Because of this ability to repel the muck in which it was submerged, the lotus flower represents purity and spiritual awakening in Buddhism. 

Here in the West, the lotus flower has also come to symbolize: (i) a person overcoming a difficult background/upbringing to achieve success; or (ii) a person who have ‘found the light’ after difficult emotional pain.  These views, in essence, emphasize the beautiful lotus flower’s triumph over the dirty muddy water.

However,remember  zen represents balance and harmony. Think about it, without the muddy water, there could be no lotus flower. From seed to maturity, it provides sustenance. As we celebrate the beauty of the flower remember that it is still firmly rooted in the mud. 

In zen, the flower of the lotus plant represents our spirit. So, the emergence of the flower from the mud without any dirt or taint, is symbolic of our ability to be in the world while our spirit remains pure. Like the lotus flower we should use the ‘impurity’ of the world to help us grow spiritually.

In zen, lotus flowers of different color represent different points on the spiritual journey.

Blue Lotus

When you first choose to walk away from the attachments to the things of the world, you are symbolized by a bud just breaking the surface of the mud and the blue lotus flower.

White Lotus

There is a stage on the zen spiritual journey where you become a Bodhisattva. Here your spirit is awakened to the wonder of existence, but you have decided to dedicate your life to helping those who are still caught up in the attachments of the world. The Bodhisattva's spiritual perfection and mental purity is represented by the white lotus flower.

 The Pink Lotus

This represents the highest level of spiritual enlightenment and awakening – that of the Buddha. 

Another Tidbit

The lotus flower’s initial emergence from the muck occurs over a period of a few days.  Over this time, the flower comes through in the morning, clean and unspoiled; then it closes its petals in the afternoon and re-immerses itself back in the muddy waters.  It then repeats the process of re-emergence and re-immersion over a period of about three days. Though this doesn’t appear in zen, I like to think of this ability as being representative of how perseverance will pay off.


Here are some lotus products that I like...

Get more info about the lotus flower at Lotus Flower Meaning

When Compromising Is Not Always The Best Option

Scenario 1:

You are at work and you have a 'great' proposal for the other members of your team of 5 people.  You have some seniority in your team and you could probably get your way even if the others choose not to consent.  Though you strongly believe in your proposal, the other members of your team do not share your enthusiasm and they want to scrap the idea.  How do you respond?

Scenario 2:

You are a business person who is interviewing a highly qualified executive to head a major department in your organization.  You are both very knowledgeable about your industry and the economy in general.  Unfortunately, you have divergent views on what direction should be taken to improve the standing of the company.  As the business person/interviewer, how would you respond? If you were the executive how would you handle this?

Your response in the scenarios above will depend on your default ‘conflict mode’.  You will note that none of the scenarios above necessarily include the normal definition of ‘conflict’.  What we are seeing is just typical issues regarding differing viewpoints that naturally occur in the workplace or in business generally.  Our response tend to differ based on whether we are more assertive, cooperative or both.

Using assertiveness and cooperation as the two main factors, the 5 basic conflict modes (competing, avoiding, accommodating, compromising and collaborating) can be outlined based on the chart below.

THE CONFLICT MODES

As you can see, people who are less cooperative are those that have either avoiding or competitive modes. For those that practice avoidance all they want to do is sidestep the issue. They don’t care if things are left unresolved; all they want to do is withdraw.

On the other hand, competitive people are those that are in the “my way or the highway” crowd.  They love to argue/debate and they don’t mind using rank or influence to get what they want.  

Individuals who are highly cooperative tend to collaborate or accommodate.  Accommodating individuals put the needs of others above their own… they are selfless and they always put their desires last.  

Collaborators, however, practice active listening.  They want to hear everyone’s ideas/concerns and they use impassive analysis in making decisions.

With these four conflict modes, you will note that those that want to withdraw from the issues, avoiding and accommodating personalities are low in assertiveness.  And, those that want to tackle the situation head on, collaborators and competitive individuals, are highly assertive.

Finally we come to the compromiser.  This type of person is equally assertive and cooperative.  They don’t mind doing a give and take.  They love negotiating and assessing value but in the end it usually comes down to quickly splitting everything in half.

Your default mode will differ from others based on your personality. It is important to note, however, that you do not have to be locked into this automatic way of doing things. You can decide what mode to use depending on the situation you are facing. For example, if time is a factor, being a compromiser is probably a really good option. If you want to build trust and respect among your teammates, then being a collaborator is your best bet.  If you feel as if you are not fully prepared to deal with an issue, then it is good to avoid it until you are in a much stronger position.  And, if you genuinely believe the alternatives available are superior to your own, then accommodating is the way to go. 

As you can see these 5 different modes are integral to successfully communicating and building relationships in the workplace and in business.  Depending on your goals, you should be able to switch back and forth between all 5.  

To get that process started, you should get o general idea of your own default conflict mode.  (You can find the test here).  Then, take the time learn the pro’s and con’s of using the various conflict modes in different situations. Examples of these can be found here.

Now that you are more prepared, how would you respond in scenarios above? 

NON-VERBAL Communication and You

SCENARIO: AT WORK

Employee Jack wonders: 'I generally get along with everyone at work, why can't I connect with my supervisors and managers?'


Colleagues: Jack is “too intense.” Rather than look at you, he devours you with his eyes. And if he takes your hand, he lunges to get it and then squeezes so hard it hurts. Jack is a caring guy but has a terrible time being in sync with people. This awkwardness limits his ability to advance at work. He just isn’t seen as being good with others.

SCENARIO: DEALING WITH A POTENTIAL CLIENT

Businesswoman Celine wonders: 'I have just given a well-prepared presentation showing how I can effectively help a prospective client but I still could not close the deal. Why?'


Client: Celine work was the best we have seen and she has the best credentials but there is just something about her... I just can't see myself working closely with her.

Look At How All of Us Perceive 
Those Who Are Communicating?

In a prior post, we discussed the importance of non-verbal communication as it relates to conflict in the workplace.  However, as the above scenario shows, non-verbal communication whether you:

• are interviewing for a job; 
• meeting with potential clients; 
• seeking a promotion; or 
• dealing with your colleagues around the office.

The Factors That Go Into Non-Verbal Communication Include:

     1.  SPATIAL RELATIONS

a.      Relative positions while communicating

b.      Proximity to each other during the discussion

    2.  BODY LANGUAGE

a.      Eye contact

b.      Arm position

c.       Posture

d.      Personal Appearance

   3. SPEECH PATTERNS

a.      Pace

b.      Volume

c.       Pitch

d.      Tone

   4.  TIMLINESS

a.      Promptness or Tardiness

b.      Primacy and Recency

   6. THE SENSES WE REFER TO WHEN WE SPEAK

a.      Visual (“I See what you mean”)

b.      Auditory (“That sounds great to me”)

c.       Touch (“That feels right to me”

Putting it into Action

The way you position or use your body can be calming or could aggravate a situation.

You should:

• Use calm body language - a relaxed posture with your hands unclenched and an attentive expression.
• Get on the other person's physical level. If they are seated, try kneeling or bending over, rather than standing over them.
• Give the other person enough physical space, usually about  3 feet.

More importantly, you should not:

• Pose in a challenging stance, such as putting your hands on your hips, pointing your finger, waving your arms, or crossing your arms.
• Glare or stare, which may be interpreted as challenging.

Learn more about how to improve your non-verbal communication skills

Level 1 - EMPLOYER: Beginning To Creating A Culture of Zen In The Workplace

While identifying the types of conflict most common in you specifically face, you used you data gathering skills to put together a 'conflict health' picture of your organization. You should use this as a  ‘reference point’ as you begin to proactively implement a strategy to improve the culture in the workplace. This will ensure that employees will not simply mindlessly do what they have always done without critically reviewing the consequences of their actions. 

Before you expect to see real change, however, you need to take the time to properly educate your managers and employees as to how to interact with each other. Research shows that the collaborative approach is most effective in dealing with conflict in the workplace.  This is because it serves to increase trust and empathy among managers and their subordinates. 

Using the CPR Philosophy is one to implement a collaborative approach in the workplace. This credo states, “staff do well at their jobs if they can. If they can’t, managers need to help them figure out why, so they can.” 


The basic steps in implementing the CPR’s collaborative approach is as follows:

Step 1: This entails the establishment of a collaborative relationship among employees and management.

A. We have previously explored how active listening plays a big part in the establishing a relation of trust and understanding. Under the CPR Philosophy, all employees must also take the time to actively listen to each other’s point of view. Managers, however, must be especially mindful of not presenting theirs viewpoints as if it they are objective truth.  It is important for them to convey their viewpoints on the same level as their subordinates.

B. After colleagues have engaged in active listening, those who are in conflict must then take the time to define the issues that they believe is the root of the dispute.  This should be gleaned from the information they gathered during active listening. Both parties must then check-in with each other to ensure that they are correct in their assessment of the issues.

Step 2: After the issues are defined, the employees must then agree to work together to tackle the issues they have identified to be the root of their conflict.

Step 3: Finally, there should be a give-and-take dialogue among disputes colleagues that is focused on brainstorming possible solutions to the issues they have presented as the root of their conflict.  Note, this involves people working together to have all the issues resolved… not just their own.

Obviously there is more to building and implementing a collaborative culture. There will be more tools regarding conflict management and prevention on Zen Workplaces.  It is important to note, however, that research shows that ‘[i]naction in response to discontent voiced by an employee is likely to exacerbate feelings of injustice.’ As such, utilizing the techniques discussed here should help in avoiding this pitfall. 


~Here is to Zen in the Workplace!

Level 1 - EMPLOYER: Basic Techniques for Handling Existing Conflict

Before you are able to properly implement a culture of zen in your workplace, you may be faced with current and ongoing conflicts.  One of the most basic techniques you can ask your employees (especially your managers and supervisors) to utilize is 'Active Listening'.


 Active Listening

This approach helps employees show more understanding and empathy toward each other. This enhanced communication will also serve to dampen any escalation of conflict. As a bonus, learning active listening is not particularly difficult.  Employees just need to start paying attention to the feelings of their colleagues. 

As such, when listening to their co-worker discuss their views on a particular conflict, employees should try to pinpoint what exactly is it that is driving their colleague's feelings of dissatisfaction.  Once that occurs, the employee should then attempt to restate the issues and feelings their co-worker was trying to convey.  It is important to use non-confrontational words when doing this.  Finally, the employee should check in with the co-worker to see if they have correctly gleaned his/her viewpoint.  This active listening will then be reciprocated to the employee by the co-worker.


Whether there is eventual agreement, engaging in active listening allows employees to show each other that they at least made the attempt to understand their colleagues' perspectives. That, in and of itself, is a good thing.

Conflict De-escalation

Next employers have to learn to get their employees in the habit of bringing level 1 issues out in the open before they are allowed to escalate. This will allow managers and supervisors, who are facing a task conflict, to quickly pinpoint the issue(s) that are the source of the workplace unrest. The the next step, of course, is to get the parties together at the table to help them  brainstorm possible solutions that will work for them both. 

The common view in the business world is that personal clashes in the workplace are “unwinnable.” This is because there is “no substantive, identifiable, or meaningful issue to be resolved.” The only solutions offered in these situations are to either (i) for employees to “put aside their personal conflict for the good of the team” or (i)“ to transfer one or both employee(s), or even separate them from the company.” This line reasoning explains why 85% of all terminations are due to this type of dispute.

The entire Zen Workplaces site, however, is dedicated to showing you that personal clashes are indeed winnable. Along with enhancing your managers' basic conflict resolution skill-set, simply point your employees to some of the techniques on this blog that give them step by step instruction on how to react appropriately in the face of conflict. 

The goal here is to get your employees in the habit of diffusing conflict as before it takes root. As they say, “an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure”.

~Here is to Zen in the Workplace!

Level 1 EMPLOYER: Identifying The Types of Conflict Occurring Specifically In Your Workplace

Now that you understand the types of conflicts that generally occur at the workplace, how do you identify the types of conflicts that are occurring in your specific organization?  By taking the time to do this, you are ensuring that you will be  utilizing the appropriate conflict resolution techniques for your situation. 

Though it is not difficult, it will require some time and effort to compile the information needed to get a clear picture of  your organization's 'conflict health'. For those who are familiar with accounting, think of it as putting together a balance sheet for your financials. The steps are as follows:

1. Use your data gathering skills to try to figure out whether or not most of the conflict in your organization is based on task or personal disputes.

1. Gather data by having as many managers and employees fill out the workplace conflict questionnaire.
2. If you have a system of keeping track of informal disputes within your organization, try to answer the following questions:

• Are the most common disputes very emotional or not?
• What characteristics do people who most often find themselves in conflict have in common?
• How frequently do disputes and complaints occur?
• Has there always been the same amount and frequency of disputes and complaints in your workplace?
• If not, since when did the frequency start to rise or drop?
• Do you foresee regulatory,organizational, or legal changes that will affect the frequency of disputes?
• What is your view on the cause ofconflict?

Though it is important for you to get an overview of the disputes that commonly occur in your organization, you still have to mindful of dealing with the workplace conflict issues that you are currently facing. Use your observational skills to find out what is really the driving force behind the dispute. 

·         Are the emotional reactions of the participants on par with the seriousness of the  situation?

·         Do both parties want to win only at the other’s expense? 

·         Are the participants displaying a lack of trust or respect for each other? 

Answering the above three questions in the affirmative is usually a clear sign that you are dealing with a personal dispute instead of a task conflict.

Once you figure out the types of conflicts your organization is dealing with, it is time to look at the types of solutions you have at your disposal. At Zen Workplace we are committed to providing you with as many tools as possible for this.  So let's start with the most basic conflict diffusion techniques. As a bonus, they are also easy to implement.

~Here is to Zen In The Workplace!

The TYPES OF CONFLICT Generally Found In The Workplace

Though they may be divided into different sub-groups, the types of conflict generally found in the workplace are basically: 'Task Conflicts' and 'Personal Conflicts'. 

Task Conflicts


Task conflicts are based on substantive workplace issues.  These include: interdependence disputes, differences in style disputes and leadership disputes. 

• Interdependence Disputes are those wherein one employee has to rely on his/her colleague's cooperating to get the job done.

• Differences in Style Disputes are those involving employees who have different ways of approaching the completion of a task.

• Leadership Style Disputes are those caused by the different managerial style of different managers and supervisors within the organization.

As individuals, employees not only have different backgrounds, values and beliefs, they also have different approaches to how they do things.  As such task conflicts will always be present in the workplace.  Though they may seem to be a cause for great concern on the surface, the innovative solutions gained from resolving task conflicts can sometimes lead to a more efficient and positive workplace.

Personal Conflicts

Did you know that personal conflicts, account for 85% of all employment terminations in the U.S.? That is a daunting statistic. As you have also seen before differences in educational backgrounds, ethnic heritage, gender, political preferences, can, in and of themselves, serve as the cause of conflict.


Not only that, each characteristics can also color an employee's perception of existing conflict. As such, the employee's view of the motives and character of the colleagues with whom he/she is in dispute will be distorted to the point where he/she automatically views all the actions of the other as problematic regardless of whether or not this is objectively true. These personality clashes are commonly dismissed as simply 'office politics' or 'bad chemistry'. However, if they are allowed to continue unchecked, you have already seen how they can usually escalate into so much more.

As an employer, there is no reason to fear what you cannot eliminate. Task and Personal Conflicts will naturally occur in the workplace. Basic training along with simple, common sense techniques are all that is needed to achieve workplace harmony. 


~Here is to Zen In The Workplace!

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

After taking the time to think through the conflict and identify your own hot buttons, it is now time to directly engage the other party to the conflict.  Going into a personal meeting may seem daunting given the hostility but it becomes more manageable if you go into it with a proper framework for the discussion.

This framework can bethought of as “ground rules” for the meeting. Though he/she doesn't have to agree, you may ask the other party to try to assent to them before you get started. These ground rules could include such things as:

• Being respectful to all parties (regardless of personal feelings).
• Giving the each party the appropriate time to fully express himself without interruption.
• Taking the time to actually listen to what the other parties are saying (instead of focusing on our own responses to their statements).
• Putting the focus on a “give and take” resolution that is win-win for all the parties.
• Try to avoid judgmental statements that put people in a defensive position.

With that framework inmind, it’s time to focus on the actual conversation.  Inso doing you should try not to be too tied to your personal viewpoints, but beflexible enough to views from all perspectives. You should also ensure that theprimary focus should be on peacefully resolving the dispute.  To make surethese things occur:

• Divide the conflict into separate issues and deal with one issue at a time during the discussion.
• Try to focus on areas of common agreement.
• Instead of personally focusing on the other party in the dispute, put the emphasis on both of you working together to resolve the issues at hand.  E.g. “Use an ‘I statement’ to objectify the conflict, as in, ‘I think we have different ideas about the best way to drive to work. I understand that you really think it’s faster to go this way.’  Then ask for feedback: ‘Am I hearing you correctly?’”
• Be willing to apologize for any potential offenses to the other party.
• If you are wrong about something, you must be willing to admit it.

Given the investment of time and effort involved in resolving conflict, you probably are yourself, ”Is it worth it?” In a workplace environment, you have to view conflict resolution as an investment in the future.  Though it may be a hassle in the short term, clearing the air will pay dividends in the long-term because you will be able to avoid the increased emotional costs of long-term conflict.

Also, understand that not all conflicts are going to be resolved using the techniques described above. As such, learn to manage your stress levels by choosing the battles you engage in.  If an issue is not worth the investment in time and effort described above, simply walkaway.  Sometimes you may follow the procedures discussed above to theletter and still have no resolution. When that happens, again, walk away. In both instances, however, you should take the time to agree to disagree with the other parties to the conflict before moving on with your life.

KNOWING AND MANAGING YOUR HOT BUTTONS

To prepare yourself to properly deal with conflict, you must take the time to understand your own “hot buttons” i.e., the things that you perceive to be threats against how you want to be viewed in this world.  These hot buttons are important because they tend to trigger a set of automatic emotional responses whenever we face conflict.  Most common hot buttons have to deal with competence, inclusion, autonomy, status, reliability, and morality. Once we are triggered, “our brain may experience what’s called a “neural hijacking.” The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what’s happening.”

As such, you must take the time to have a full and complete understanding of your hot buttons before you make any attempt to deal with the other parties in the conflict. As you saw in our post about thinking through ourresponse to conflict, you need to have our thoughts and emotions under control so that we may have a clear understanding of the actual facts surrounding the dispute. This allows you to operate on 'reality-based' dimension of the conflict.  If, however, you allow our hot buttons to trigger an instinctive emotional response, then you will make false assumptions, lash out or close down, etc. all because we will be responding to 'felt conflict'.  

 To get started on finding out and managing your hot buttons, follow the next steps:

1. Make a list of your own personal hot buttons.  These are different for everyone. (A list of common hot buttons listed below).
2. Make note of how your body responds when one of your hot buttons are triggered.  Do you clench your teeth, cry, sweat, get flushed, contract your stomach?  It is not the easiest thing to do but try to pay attention to these responses in your body.
3. Once you feel the body's response that signals a hot button has been triggered, ask for a rain check with the other party and end the conversation until you have regained control of your emotional state.
4. After you have calmed down, ask yourself the following questions, “Am I being too sensitive? Am I seeing slights where none exists?” If the answer is yes, then that, in and of itself, could be the end of the conflict. I, however, the answer is no, then try to write down, in clear terms, what you believe to be the cause of the conflict.
5. Only after you have completed step 4 should you continue to pursue the other conflict resolution steps.

Find Your Hot Buttons From The List Below:

Rejection

Humiliation

Judgment

Feeling Unimportant

Disconnection

Abandonment

Loneliness

Feeling Ignored

Failure

Neglect

Powerlessness

Condemnation

Being misunderstood

Feeling Unwanted

Being scorned

Danger

Being invalidated

Feeling Disliked

Feeling defective

Mistrust

Inferiority

Feeling Devalued

Worthlessness

Unhappiness

As you can imagine, this process is emotionally draining. Not to mention the fact that it takes diligence to engage in continuous self-awareness and self-control. However, success will not only help you in the workplace, it will also prove effective against conflict at home and in other areas of your life.

Sources:

http://lenski.com/conflictzen/what-are-your-conflict-triggers/

http://lenski.com/conflictzen/managing-your-hot-buttons

THINK BEFORE YOU RESPOND TO CONFLICT

Oftentimes, conflict seems to strike us right out of the blue.  Because of this, we tend to give in to our first instincts.  For some the default response is to 'fight'; these people become extremely agitated. These individuals lash out at those they perceive to be the bringers of conflict without a care for the consequences.  For others, the response is 'flight' – i.e. they simply try run away from and try to ignore the conflict altogether. They hope that, their refusal to engage in the conflict, will result in it going away altogether without any further effort on their part. 

Unfortunately, in the workplace, giving in to either default response is rarely effective. This is because conflict operates on two dimensions: one based because on logical and actual facts about the conflict (i.e. reality-based conflict); and the other, based on feelings of threat, fear, hurt, etc. each party associates with the conflict (i.e. felt conflict).  Usually, your initial response of 'fight' or 'flight' is based on 'felt conflict' that is why you must try not to give in to it. In a closed environment like the workplace, where we are forced to work together on continually, this is highly ineffective. 

To find solutions that will actually resolve the conflict, you must seek to operate on the 'reality-based conflict' dimension. As such, it is imperative that you take the time to think before you respond. Doing this will give you the chance to look at your own possible contributions to the conflict; and what may be motivating the other party to engage in this conflict in the first place.

To get this process started, you will need to tackle 'felt conflict' straight on. Take the time to understand the role your own emotions and past experiences may be distorting the facts in a manner that actually escalate conflict in your mind. When this occurs, you make assumptions based on incorrect or incomplete information. To take control over own emotions and thoughts you will first have to discern and manage your 'hot buttons'.

Next you must examine how your actions in the workplace may have unknowingly contributed to the conflict. Sometimes individuals are unaware of how they are presenting themselves to theircolleagues.  People respond to both verbal and non-verbal communication. So, you must be careful about even, “the smallest movement ofthe eye, positioning of the ears, body positioning and proximity.” The impacts of these actions and even your slightest verbal utterances can be great.  Thus, it is important for you to take the time to put together a communication strategy before you even attempt to directly engage the other person in conflict resolution.

Once you have our own emotions and actions in line, it is time to think about what might be motivating the other party or parties to the dispute. We have already discussed at length some of the inherent differences that may lead to conflict in the workplace. To resolve this conflict, you must try to put ourselves in the shoes of the other parties. Try to understand the conflict from their perspective.  Even try to discern if they may be operating on mistaken assumptions. Finally, try to figure out what might motivate them to work with you to resolve the dispute. 

So, is now clear to us that when conflict strikes you have two options based on how you allow your thoughts to travel: first, you may instinctively lash out at or run away from the other parties to the dispute and deal with the consequences later; or second, you may deliberately think through the issue and rationally choose a path that leads to the end of the conflict.  The first option is easy, the second requires diligence. But peace of mind is worth the effort.

SOURCES:

http://www.mediate.com/articles/ScottVbl20110613.cfm

http://www.mediate.com/articles/JohnsonC2.cfm

http://blog.kimberlyalyn.com/2011/02/24/dealing-with--conflict-mentally.aspx